I'm stressed

I'm sure this will all blow over after the next two weeks, but my first semester of classes are almost over. Bad thing is, I think I am going to have to ask Kandee or Denise if they can help me. Kerrie, the girl that watches my daughters, is going to be closed both Thursday and Friday of that week. That is also the week that I have my finals...so what am I suppose to do? It would take forever to get a backup for those days. Of course I would not need them on Thursday but I could use them for Friday and Saturday. I just need a good eight hours of studying and get it all into my brain and finishing my final paper for COM150. I will really be happy when the communication classes are over and I hit some good Ol' Math!

On another topic, I finally got the room re-arranged! I am so happy that it has been two months since no Mission, there is so much more freedom and the people that we live with are very caring and understanding. I think that is great really, I could not ask for more.

Well, back to school work for me. I have to work on that five page paper that is due on Sunday!! Wonderful...gosh I will so be VERY glad when this is all over!

I am remembering something from my childhood, a fond memory actually. Since Christmas is around the air, there was one particular one that stands out among my memories at this point and time and yet...it surprises me that I actually remember it.

I believe this was my third grade class. During Christmas we had secret santas, so we each had to bring a gift, within reason, to give to the people that we drew their names. I honestly do not remember what I got, but what I do remember was our teacher passing out a book of Christmas stories in a gift bag with a few other things. I believe the reason this sticks out right now is due to the note that was put inside my book. I was looking at Christmas movies on netflix and what jogged my memory of this book was a movie called "The Spirit of Christmas." I want to say that was the name of the book, but this part of my memory is foggy. I remember not even opening the book until I got into the car with my mom. The teacher had given us the bags right before vacation so we didn't have much time to look and gather, but there was something special written in mine. The full comment slips my memory but it was something of the fact of how she hoped I would stay the course and keep my head up.

See, this year for me as a child was hard. My mother was getting re-married and I surely did not want this to happen. I loved my mother dearly but I feared for things to end badly for her and this guy...which unfortunately, it did happen. Later on in my life, since I told her this, she told me I cursed her and my step-dad's marriage. That I was to blame for them falling apart, I think this did more to me that I realize when I was a kid to hear this from my mom, but sometimes as adults we do not think of the repurcussions of our words and in hurt, we just say them.

However, since I did attend therapy for a year, I can honestly say my world has changed four fold. I broke a vicious cycle of starting something and then letting it go. Staying at the Mission made me realize that I was capable of so much more if I could just let myself break that horrible cycle of what I started when I graduated from high school. I did, I graduated from the God awful program--burned by the people that gave me a home and yet, I am here to tell a story of my girls and I as survivors. We made it, with the grace of the good Lord with us--we made it.

While things are not as I had originally planned, and surely tight, I'm learning little by little, if I steer my course set on God and give everything to him fully...anything is possible. I started school again in June, going for business Administration. I'm still there...almost done with my first semester...right after Thanksgiving. If all goes well, I will either have a 3.9 or 4.0 GPA and one sememster down...seven more to go. :) I will do it, I know I have the faith of a mustard seed that can grow into something beautiful and bountiful. I just now need to plant my little mustard seed and watch it grow.

So, here is to that teacher who wrote me that passage in the book (which I do not have anymore...my mom has it)...I will stay my course and finally fly free from my barrier of chains.

About the accident

I think this must have been the most traumatic thing for me because I keep trying to make sense of everything that has happened. there are only bits and pieces of the puzzle and I talked to Elizabeth's therapist about it, and she thinks I might have blocked it out because it was too stressful. If I can only explain how I felt during that, it honestly felt like it wasn't me driving the vehicle. You know those movies when a traumatic scene comes and you only see bits and pieces of it, the most traumatic ones are cut...that is exactly how I remember it.

I remember looking over to my left and immediately seeing a truck only inches away. I could have touched the truck if I had my window open, in an effort to avoid contact, I swung the steering wheel over trying to avoid him, I blacked out, next thing I know the car is swinging, and I remember trying to steer it one way, then another and it wasn't working. I think I said, what is going on?? and something inside me said, there is nothing you can do now, let the car go. I was scared and I don't remember the part, I remember it heading torwards the hill, but blacked out again. I heard the first crash, came back, saw the car turn, blacked out, heard the second hit and came to. I remember looking at the dash and seeing the engine stuck at 3 rpms and immediately shutting it down.

I stared into the abyss and wondered if anything was wrong with the car, my first thought was the engine because it was hit on that side and being that it was stuck at 3 rpms while the car not moving, and even after turning it off, I knew it was a gonner. The next thing I remember when I came back to was a guy parked in front of us and another talking to Denise. Elizabeth was crying and the lady asking us if we were all okay. The one guy I believe came to my window and checked us out. Some of the next part is even a blur to myself. I remember looking for the insurance information and trying to call roadside assistance, which didn't work out, and then her telling me not to call 911 because they had already called the cops. The first people to arrive as we sat there were the fire department. I remember them being nice and giving the girls stickers, which was cute. They were asking us if we were all okay. They stayed with us until the cops came, two cop cars which eventually ended up being one.

I remember the cop asking me to get out of the vehicle and telling my version of the story. Honestly, it made me realize I had really no idea what happened, I had a jist of the accident but very detailed, no I couldn't do that. He asked me which way hit first and I said I thought the back did but he said he thought it was the front....honestly if it was the front I believe the car would have turned over. Eventually after he got the information the two truck came. The car looked totaled. You couldn't even open the sliding door as the frame was so off track that it cut the door off from being opened. I remember the lady wanted to check Bella and they were saying that they couldn't open the door. The tires were all flat, somehow the actual body of the car was in tact, but we survived. I live another day to tell a weird story of an accident and just how we need to fully rely on God.

Almost May

As a few of you know, the last two years of my life have been one of the most hectic. But this year probably tops them all. I've now been in this program for 8 months and phase up to the final phase in one month. If that all happens and goes well...I will graduate in July. I will get to move up to transitional housing where the girls and I can save a little bit more for that rainy day. I don't know yet if I will stay here in California after it's all said and done, but I'm hoping that I go wherever God plans me to go.

I was thinking today about something, I was looking at pictures of people in my family and I asked a friend of mine if they thought I was a failure. She told me no, she thought I was making the best of my situation and a very strong person. That was hard because here the rest of my family has homes, houses and everyone looks happy. Me on the other hand, I'm in a failing marriage, been a single mom for eight months and I'm living in a homeless shelter. Granted, I'm putting my life back on the line by going back to school to become a Women's pastor, but it's hard not to see that as a failure. I guess the closer and closer I get to God, I don't see how my dad and step mom can really call themselves a Christian when they themselves (who think they are perfect) have so much more to learn. When I told my step mom that I was going to become a pastor, I never heard anything again from her via email. She's thinks I'm lying...that's fine. I'll show her one day. I know it's going to take me awhile, but my climb is so much more worthwhile then anyone can imagine.

Bellie has been sick these past two days, but she seems better now. I'm heading back to Proflowers tomorrow for work, part of me wants to stay with them but I know I need to go. I think Elizabeth would like to go back to Daycare, she likes it there. So does Bella, but it's hard for me. I miss them so much. We are going on our first overnight pass this weekend. I'm renting a hotel room for us, and I'm gonna sleep in! Relax, watch tv...enjoy the finer things in life for just a bit! I'm excited and going to bring my camera. I just realized I REALLY need to take more pictures of the girls. Especially my little Lizzy. Okay, I'm off for now! God Bless and hope you guys have a good week, that's if you even read this blog anymore!